mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
