I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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