Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
