your parents love me but you hate me
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
