ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
