The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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