im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Randomize
