Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
