I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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