just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
