turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
