Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
