I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
