after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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