The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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