Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
