We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
When did angry sex become our thing?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
