we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
