I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
