I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
