You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
