Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
