i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
