this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
