3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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