Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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