I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
