oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize