I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
