tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
