I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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