Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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