The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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