his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
