i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
