i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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