She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
