omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you win again, gameday.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
