Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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