I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
