Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
