Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
