You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
