Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
