My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
