you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
