I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
