If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
