the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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