But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
