people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
