I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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