Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
