So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
