Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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