the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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