I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
