This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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