I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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