Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
